No Ping.

[Old story, true but old] Wife, SoML (my daughter), and I went shopping for the essentials. You know, soap, shampoo, lube, toilet paper, aspirin and so on. We were at Wal-Mart finding everything on our list except for the personal lubricant. We scoured (that's actually putting it lightly... We were like rats on acid looking for another fix, trying to score the stuff) the pharmacy aisles in search of it but came up empty. As you can well imagine, neither one of us had the courage to go up to the customer service counter and actually ask them where they keep the joy jelly. So we abandoned our effort.

Later that day we had to go out again. We found ourselves at the local K-Mart. As I was passing by the pharmacy aisles I broke off from our little troop and started "reconning" for the lubricant. Hmmm... Spermicide... Condoms... Looks like on the right aisle, then "lo and behold" there on the shelf, was my "grail". Actually, it was a box, a small box. A box small enough for me to "palm" in my hand. I looked at it, I looked past it. I walked up the aisle like I was browsing for Q-tips. Then I walked back down the aisle and grabbed it. The reach for, and the subsequent grasp of that product was such an artistic display of sleight-of-hand that I'm sure that David Copperfield would've gone "Whaaaa??? How'd he do that!?!?". A magician never tells his secrets.

Anyway, with my mission accomplished, the goal in hand, so to speak, I catch up with my wife and SoML. All the while, I carefully palm the little box so I'm able to keep it out of the eye-shot of SoML, other shoppers, K-Mart personnel, God, or any other suspecting/nosey/judgmental/inquisitive eyes.

We live only a mile or two from the big K, we shop there often as do our friends, neighbors, SoML's teachers and school administrators, waiters and waitresses at various restaurants we go to, my co-workers, Wife's co-workers, our bank teller, various delivery folks, basically everyone shops there from time to time. I'd be surprised if YOU don't. Needless to say, I'm in stealth mode when I give a quick wink and tell Wife, Mission accomplished, let's hit the road.

It's a Saturday, early afternoon and Kmart is crowded. You know like 5 deep in each check-out line type of crowded. So the three of us are standing in line waiting to settle up. My kid ask if she can buy a pack of Skittles, I agree. Hell she could've asked for a case of Skittles (or heroin for that matter) and I would've bought it as long as it'd would not draw any attention to us or my illicit purchase.

Finally, we're at the cashier. She starts ringing up our various items. She slides the notebook paper over the scanner, "ping", it totals into the register, then the Doritos, "ping", then the 12 pak of caffeine-free Coke, "ping", the instant grits, "ping", the Skittles, "ping", then the small box, " "... No "ping". Nothing. She slides the box over the scanner again, still no "ping". The cashier then breaks out into this wild arm flailing product-to-scanner shuffle slide in search of the missing "ping". Now, Wife and SoML exit stage left. They walk off nonchalantly to wait for me in the car. I'm in the checkout line that is now seven deep and counting, waiting while the skilled K-mart cashier tirelessly tries to ring up my "wretched little box of perv". Ok, it's only lube, but the lady in line behind me is looking at me as if she's got this visual in her head that I'm going to try and sex up her cat. My sweat is puddling now.

So finally, a light goes off in the cashier's head, she breaks down and enters the UPC numbers manually into the cash register. Still no fucking ping! She re-enters the numbers. NO PING!!! She calls over the manager, hands the box over to said manager, who then proceeds to go through the wild shuffle, then UPC number entry routine. Still no ping. For some reason, this item is not in the store's computer. The manager calls over to the pharmacy and asks the pharmacy clerk to give her a price on item number 12345678. Apparently, the pharmacy clerk is in on this little conspiracy because she asks the manager for the NAME of the product. I don't recall the name of the stuff, but it was something embarrassing like "Doctor Love's Root Beer Flavored Jam Jelly". The manager is on hold, she's looking at me all slyly like "yeah, I'd do ya", the lady in line behind me still has images of me humping her cat, the teenager behind her is snickering like Beavis, then the rest of line is looking at me like I'm holding up their heart transplant. Vomi-Nervousa!

Finally, the clerk gives the manager the proper UPC code. The manager overrides the cash register and inputs the price. Before she totals me out, she apologizes for the delay and explains that the computer wouldn't take it because the box has a 20-cent-off offer and didn't recognize the cost difference (or something to that effect).

I went through all of that for 20 CENTS OFF!

I paid for my purchase, got my bags up and as I was about to walk away, I looked at the cat lady, half-smiled, shrugged up my eyebrows and confidently said, "It'll be worth every penny."